I must admit, I don’t have too many exes, if any, that I actively “hate.” While there are some that I don’t give a second thought to, there are none that I sit up at night wishing death upon either. Most of my breakups have been “civil fall-outs” rather than these dramatic, hate-filled blow-ups that leave me wondering where I could hide a body. Sometimes things just don’t work out – and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can even be friends.
But as I type that, I wonder how many of my exes am I really friends with? I mean like REALLY friends. I don’t call any of them up on the phone. I don’t hang out with any exes. I’m not going to watch the Super Bowl at an exes house this weekend with my now husband. So am I truly friends with my exes – or just “friendly?”
Now granted, a lot of time has passed from my last breakup to when I connected with the man who would eventually become my husband, so being cool with an ex, even if only on social media, wasn’t a hard thing to do. If I have moved on to love someone else, clearly there is no reason to harbor any ill will towards anyone in my past, no matter how the relationship ended. But what if you’re newly broken up? Can you be friends right AFTER a breakup? For some it may be easy…but it can definitely be complicated as well.
Now if the relationship ended badly, I don’t see why anyone would want to be friends with the ex anyway. I have a friend who recently broke up with her ex because she found out he was cheating on her. However, she said to me that she has no problem being friends with him – she just doesn’t want him back. I may have to call bull-ish on that, because who wants to be friends with a liar and a cheater? Honesty and loyalty are the foundation of most friendships as well, not just romantic relationships – so that makes no sense to me.
But even if you can move past a bad breakup, being friends with an ex right away may delay, or hinder, your healing process. I’ve always been of the belief that you have to distance yourself from an ex after a split in order to give yourself time to reflect, heal and renew your spirit…even if the breakup was an amicable one. Trying to be friends too soon might bring about some warm and fuzzy feelings between you two and you’ll forget why you broke up in the first place. Next thing you know you’re “friends with benefits” in a weird space wondering what you’re doing. It can be confusing – especially if only one of you wants that old thing back while the other wants to remain broken up. It’s best to give yourself time to sort through your feelings and eventually get over your ex before you can attempt to be friends again. And that’s if the ex even wants to be friends again.
If you’re newly single and considering being friends with an ex, my advice would be not to force it. There is no rule that says you have to be friends with your ex to show how progressive and mature you are. You can be cordial when you bump into each other in mutual familiar places. You can “friend” him on Facebook or “follow” him on Instagram – without stalking him of course. And you can even hang out from time to time if you’re both up to it. I’ve dated men who were my friends first – immediately – who just never gave me butterflies when we tried to take it a step further. Sometimes couples realize they’re better suited as friends, so an immediate friendship can continue post-break up. Some may even become BETTER friends afterwards. However, for a lot of folks, those types of friendships are few and far between.
If you were head over heels in love and now you’re no longer together, or there was some sort of abuse (physical, emotional, mental) that has caused a traumatic split, you may want to re-think the whole “let’s be friends” thing once you decide to end the relationship. Sometimes, it’s best just to leave the past well alone and move forward. Forgiveness and healing doesn’t require a friendship, or even the guise of one. It simply requires that you learn the lessons from the relationship, transition into singlehood with dignity…and wish them well from afar.
- See more at: http://madamenoire.com/507903/lets-just-friends-can-buddies-ex/#sthash.ps1g0BaQ.dpuf
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